A reminder...

[sleigh]

On Monday, the English Department put up an easel with a big pad next to a bulletin board with pictures of Danny, so that students and teachers could write up memories and little tributes to Danny. As each sheet was filled, they tore it off the pad and taped it up along the wall. By Wednesday, there were four or five sheets up.

But someone decided to deface a few of the sheets with vitriolic slurs against gays, and the pad was taken down. It was a blunt reminder that there are still people with blind hatred and prejudice against others not for who they are, but for attributes over which they had no control.

It made me utterly furious. I wanted to find this person and toss him in a room with all of us who are grieving Danny's loss, and let us tear into him. At first.

Then I thought about how Danny would have reacted had he seen someone do something like that. Danny wouldn't have been furious. He would have been concerned but calm. He would have have taken the student into his office and talked to him (forgive the sexism, but I'm assuming this was most likely a male student, and probably someone who didn't know Danny at all). Danny would have tried to understand why this person felt the way he felt; he would have listened with sympathy and compassion and patience, and afterward -- no matter what the outcome -- he would have put his arm around this person as he left or (more likely) given him a hug.

That was Danny.

So I can't be angry. I can only be sad that someone saw fit to intrude upon the grief and memories of all of us who knew Danny to spew their own poison. Whoever you are, know that Danny would have forgiven you. He would have offered to be your friend if you would allow it. He would have tried to help you see past your blindness. And you are far, far poorer for never having known the man, because if you had known him, you could not have hated him.

It would not have been possible.

Comments

[ellameena.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry your grieving had to be tainted with this other person's personal problems. I'm glad you can look past it, and how wonderful that Danny was the kind of person who could inspire others to this level of compassion an understanding. It really helps me understand what a great loss it is.

[sleigh.livejournal.com]

Someone, in one of the comments about Danny, said that the department had lost its soul when he died. In some ways, that's a very cogent observation...

[smofbabe.livejournal.com]

Your envisioning of Danny's reaction to this unfortunate incident reveals even more what a terrible loss this must be to you and to the university community. I'm really sorry that on top of your grief you had to be subjected to pointless hatred and slurs against your friend. Best wishes in this difficult time.

[sleigh.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[maiac.livejournal.com]

You all should not have to deal with assholes when you're already dealing with grief.

I'm sorry.

[sleigh.livejournal.com]

Yet in a perverse way, the incident helped, in that perhaps made people realize that there's still a lot of work to be done, that tolerance and acceptance of 'difference' is still a concept with which we're still wrestling.

I'm no longer angry at the person who did this. I don't hate them -- and that's because I know Danny would not have hated them.

[maiac.livejournal.com]

I think Danny would be very pleased by your response.

[fatbaldguy60.livejournal.com]

I imagine it will be a great shock for those on the religious right when [if] they get to heaven and see Danny and others there before them. They never really get the concept of "love thy neighbor as thyself."

[ontology101.livejournal.com]

Most important Steve I want you, and your friends and family, to know that I am so very sorry for this sudden loss of a dear friend. I am also so happy to have heard from you what a great man Danny was because I feel the world is lacking great men...so it was absolutely uplifting to hear your feelings about him.

I admire your ability to not be mad at the person who defaced the tributes. But, I am not that good of a person myself. I differentiate. I just get furious when I hear of people spewing their hate out into the world out of ignorance and immaturity. However, my social worker past has certainly shown me that there are many damaged people out there with no control over hate born of their own ill-treatment. So I wonder about these perpetrators and stew...

Any way...about Danny: I am sure the world has benefitted so much from his life that no more was necessary. He gave that much. Now he has a time out. And we have to carry on in his stead.

Carry on Steve.

with caring thoughts,

Anne

[ireneautumn.livejournal.com]

I never took any classes of Dan Miller but I respected the run of the English department and specialized classes, that can only happen if it's encouraged from the top, as it obviously was.

I'm sorry you lost your friend. Hopefully, because of what Dan was to so many people, the graffiti causing the pictures to be taken down will cause a lot of discussion. I think this will bring people closer rather then further apart.

I'm hopeful. Take care of yourself.

[rarelylynne.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry that this took place. This kind of behavior in general is terrible; to have to bear it as you're grieving is beyond the pale.

It's clear, though, that Danny's legacy will live on, judging by your response. His influence remains, and his spirit will certainly remain in the department long after the perpetrator of this spite has moved along.

[kateelliott.livejournal.com]

This is a beautiful and indeed profound statement about your friend and colleague. I am sorry for your loss.