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The TSA today announced new rules for people flying on airplanes.
1) Passengers must report to the airport two days before the flight in order to avoid delays.
2) All passengers must be entirely naked upon reaching the security checkpoint. All clothing is to be placed in their checked luggage.
3) After removing their clothing, all passengers will undergo a body cavity search at the security checkpoint, and a DNA sample will be taken. If you are found to be related to anyone on the TSA's list, you will not be permitted to fly.
4) Removable body parts must be taken out and placed in your checked luggage. These include dentures and all artificial limbs or internal organs.
5) No carry-on baggage is permitted on the plane. All luggage must be checked. For safety, checked luggage will be blown up on the tarmac before being placed on the airplane.
6) Seats have been removed from the planes to avoid a passenger using a portion of the seat as a weapon -- there is, for instance, a fear that the removable flotation cushion could be used to smother someone. Instead, passengers will sit in designated areas distinguished by painted lines on the floor.
7) Once in their designated spaces, passengers must shackle themselves to the floor. using the provided equipment. No one will be permitted to leave their designated space at any time. If a passenger must void bodily waste, a bag will be provided, which must immediately be handed to a flight attendant after use.
8) Passengers are no longer permitted to speak.
9) During the last hour of flight, the flight attendants will dispense ball gags, leather hoods, and handcuffs, which the passengers must don until the plane has reached the arrival gate.
Enjoy your flight!
1) Passengers must report to the airport two days before the flight in order to avoid delays.
2) All passengers must be entirely naked upon reaching the security checkpoint. All clothing is to be placed in their checked luggage.
3) After removing their clothing, all passengers will undergo a body cavity search at the security checkpoint, and a DNA sample will be taken. If you are found to be related to anyone on the TSA's list, you will not be permitted to fly.
4) Removable body parts must be taken out and placed in your checked luggage. These include dentures and all artificial limbs or internal organs.
5) No carry-on baggage is permitted on the plane. All luggage must be checked. For safety, checked luggage will be blown up on the tarmac before being placed on the airplane.
6) Seats have been removed from the planes to avoid a passenger using a portion of the seat as a weapon -- there is, for instance, a fear that the removable flotation cushion could be used to smother someone. Instead, passengers will sit in designated areas distinguished by painted lines on the floor.
7) Once in their designated spaces, passengers must shackle themselves to the floor. using the provided equipment. No one will be permitted to leave their designated space at any time. If a passenger must void bodily waste, a bag will be provided, which must immediately be handed to a flight attendant after use.
8) Passengers are no longer permitted to speak.
9) During the last hour of flight, the flight attendants will dispense ball gags, leather hoods, and handcuffs, which the passengers must don until the plane has reached the arrival gate.
Enjoy your flight!
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The TSA thinks you're making some mighty fine suggestions, and can hardly wait to implement them :-(